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unimaginable

things i’ve been thinking about lately: the feeling of forgiving someone. more specifically, forgiving in a way that is honest. how it tastes in your mouth, how it lets you breathe, how it crouches on the tip of your tongue. trying to accept that you’ve forgiven someone without being afraid that all it really means is that you’re going to let them hurt you again, in all the same ways, or close enough anyway. wondering if it means that you’re growing up, at least a little, if you accept someone as they are when part of that means that they don’t know how to handle you without bruising you at least a little. or if it means that you’re just being stupid. can you learn how to stop wanting something? i used to be so sure i could, and that certainty was safe. but i’m starting to think that there will always be a few things i’ll never stop wanting, and that it’s okay to live with them instead.

and i’ve been thinking too about the bigness of the world, and my smallness inside of it. there’s something comforting in that - or at least something that forces me to take a step outside of myself. there’s the hope that my life will grow to, at moments, encompass all of that bigness. to touch it, somehow. there’s the realization that it may and that it may not, and that it won’t be entirely, or maybe even mostly, up to me. yet still there is the need to say to someone, to make them understand: i am small, tiny, but at the same time vast.

the more i think i truly grow up, the more i realize how young i am. i used to think i knew so much for my age. now, the thing i am most surprised and pleased and scared by is how much life has yet to happen. i hope it does i hope it does i hope.